We’ve got a double installment from War Machine’s 2012 prison diary for you this week.
Perhaps the most important nugget of information we gleaned from these latest entries is that if you yell loud enough for long enough then someone will give you some soup.
Invaluable insight as always.
Man! There’s this one crazy obnoxious lil’ black guy in here that yells and screams for hours at a time. Periodically, he’ll stop and say, “If you want me to stop all you gotta do is give me a soup!” LMAO! Dudes actually do it and that’s the biggest problem. Shit, sometimes the cops will give him food just so he’ll shut up. They are encouraging that shit, big time. Reminds me of a time my wife and I went to Sea World and bought a lil’ tray of fish to feed the seals. There were so many seals trying, hoping you’d throw it to them. Some of them developed tricks to gain your attention and ultimately get the fish. I remember one such seal that would raise his one flipper and wave it like a hand. Sometimes he would strike wacky poses. Somehow he figured out a way to get fed while the majority of them just barked at you and stared like puppies. Anyway, I just brought it up because he just walked by my room and started begging for snacks ’cause he’s seen that I had a commissary bag next to my bed. I told that mother fucker, “Hell no!” Fuck him, I don’t even mind when he yells and screams, I actually like listening to people in here go crazy. Weird right?
I’unno, I guess it’s just a sort of entertainment. Plus, there’s this old black guy in here, 60 or so, who I like, and this lil’ idiot loud guy always talks shit to him. One day that old guy was talking to someone about the fluoride in the water, chem trails in the sky, and all the other poisons we are suffering from at the hands of the government to 1. kill us 2. leave us infertile. So anyway, I called him over that day, and now we talk when we can. We are on the same page on a lot of stuff, plus he’s smart, old, and mellow. All the young guys talk about is their crimes, drugs, and dumb shit. FUCKKK! Just got mail and I am not eligible for house arrest. Fucking irritating. Got denied because of some stupid resisting arrest charge from 2002. 10 years ago! I haven’t “resisted arrest” since. Fuck. No shortcut to good food and pussy! Man, I can’t wait until this shit is over! The only change of pace would be if I became a worker. Not sure if I want to be a SLAVE though. What’s the benefit? I don’t know, need to investigate. If I was in the kitchen, obviously extra food. Any other assignment just means less sleep & less reading. As a worker, I’d prolly be able to find somewhere to do pull-ups though, and get to see/feel the sun… Hmmm. I dunno, we shall see.
Just asked a worker at lunch if they get any extra “good time.” He says they get a month extra! I’m gonna see if it’s true and if so, I’ll apply. I’ll go ahead and be a slave if it means getting out September instead of Oct., fuck it.
You know what drives me crazy in here? There’s no clock anywhere. In S.D. there was a clock out in the dayroom on the wall, you could peek out your window and see it. I never know what time it is, drives me crazy! I know we get fed show at 4AM, 10AM, and 4PM, and that’s it. All I’ve been doing since I’ve got here is read and sleep. I’d sleep 18 hours/day if I could. I just want release day to get here ASAP. I haven’t been exercising at all. 1. I feel like shit, depression wise. 2. I’m letting some nagging injuries heal. I hurt my wrist and ankle a few weeks before the Huerta fight and they never got a chance to heal ’cause I kept training. I think the wrist deal is a small fracture, 6 weeks of rest should heal it up. Man, I’m hurting inside real bad tonight, I have so much anger, hate, pain, and confusion inside. And I’m helpless, I’m locked in this box…
I wanna talk to someone, one of my friends, I feel really alone right now. Fuck man, I never cried for shit my last year, and this time it seems I’m always mustering up all I have inside, all my strength, to stop the tears from falling. I’m just so fucking discouraged. Just when I was about to get back on my feet, I got blind-sided by this bullshit. I’m gonna get out again, no money, out of shape, skills rusted, and this time with no wife, nothing. Start from scratch again. It was hard last time, but I had support and I was strong and confident that the B.S. was over, I thought I had a clean slate and I was motivated. Right now I feel really self-destructive, my spirit is weak this time around. I have never understood the idea of “cutting.” You know those people who cut into their arms all the time? Right now I want to cut into my fucking face. I’ve been beating on it with my fists, and it helps relieve some of the pain I feel, but I really wish I could cut it.
I remember watching a documentary about @MikeTyson and listening to him describe why he got his face tattoos and him saying that he hates himself, hates to see himself. Right now, I feel that way. I fucking hate myself. That’s prolly another reason why I’m a bad husband or b/f, also why I hate receiving gifts and avoid holidays… because I fucking hate myself so much and I hate to have someone care about me. I love to care about people though, I want to die for them, those I care for. I wish I could die saving them, so then they could know how much I love them. That’s why I am the best friend – if I have one quality, it is that. Like a Spartan that prays he can die in battle, I wish I could die for those I love. I fucking hate my life. I shouldn’t be alive, I should have died at birth, but the fucking doctor saved me. I’d rather have choked to death on my umbilical cord. Technology/medicine/doctors, they made me live when I shouldn’t have, that’s why my life is fucked, why I don’t fit, I wasn’t supposed to be.
I feel better today, but I guess that’s how this year in jail’s gonna be, an emotional roller coaster. Part of me wants to erase what I wrote last night, it’s embarrassing to show my weaknesses, but fuck it, I won’t. And that’s what separate me from the other athletes, from other people in the spotlight, I’m not afraid to be human. I don’t want to be one way in public and another behind closed doors. I want people to be able to relate to me, to see my troubles and be able to compare themselves to me. Maybe my struggles can help someone else in a similar situation. I’m not a faker, I hate liars, hate phonies. Right now, I’m in a struggle, but I’m gonna win. I’m gonna take all of this and bottle it up, rage on it, and unleash it upon my release. Train harder, fight meaner, and let my success be a giant FUCK YOU to all the cowards that keep trying to hold me back. @BellatorMMA Season 7 Tourney can’t come soon enough.
I will get back up.
Wow, is my sleep schedule jacked up! My 1st month here, I’d stay up until 4AM (breakfast) and sleep until 4PM (dinner), only waking at 10AM for lunch real quick. Now, shit, I can’t even pin it down actually but I just woke up at breakfast and I am up! Same shit yesterday. Whatever, it really doesn’t matter, time in jail isn’t real, it’s a time warp. I remember being released after doing that 12 months in San Diego, not a week had passed, and I could hardly even remember jail. It was like it never happened and all I had was the residual memory of some dream. That being said, I think that’s one of the big reasons jail is ineffective as a punishment. I mean, it sucks while you’re in, but BAM, you get out, and it was like it never really happened. I think that’s part of some built-in defense mechanism, something installed deep into our psyche that helps us adapt to any situation, no matter how horrible. Something that helps offset reality, I’d imagine that same tool is what allows POW’s and shit the ability to cope in horrible situations. For example, my 1st 3-4 weeks here were very hard on me but one day I woke up immune, my psyche made the adjustments necessary and now I’m comfortable here. Bad food, no freedom, dirty and without pussy, but comfortable. I’m in the zone now and soon October will come and it will all have just been a dream. Has to be similar for POW’s and cancer survivors. I’ve met guys in jail who have done 16 years in the hole, straight. Got out for 6 months and BAM! are going back for another 10 years. This guy pretty much explained to me exactly what I just said. He told me he got out, and that 16 years felt like nothing, just a dream.
This all being said, our built-in survival mechanism counteracts the effectiveness of jail. The only reason it “worked” for me or others, is because I have something to lose. I didn’t “change,” I don’t believe people do, I’m the same animal. But, being that I didn’t want to lose out on my fighting career, my students, family, and friends, I made the adjustments necessary to ensure I’d not break “the law” again. For me, it was a simple matter of NOT going to bars of clubs. If you’re a 1st time reader asking, “then why are you back in?” Read “Episode 1” and discover I’m here for a very OLD offense, one that occurred before I “learned my lesson.” Anyway, if not for me having something out there, I would not have “changed,” same as 80% of the other parolees don’t change. I especially would have a problem because I, to this day, don’t believe that anything I ever did was wrong. I’m in jail, both times, simply because I’m a professional MMA fighter, and the media/judicial system wanted to make example of me.
Very funny being called a “bully” or “coward” by reporters or judges seeing as my last two “victims” were over 300 lbs. and several inches taller than me. I’d think if I were such a “bully and coward” I’d pick on little/easy guys. Not to mention that both fights were cases of self-defense. If I wasn’t a professional fighter, they’d be saying, “serves that big guy right starting a fight with a smaller fella,” but since I’m a fighter, I get punished for successfully defending myself. Now I’m a 3-time “felon”, a “bully,” and a “coward.” LMAO! Go figure. All I can say to all of that is that our country has gone soft, our laws are no longer moral, and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. I’m gonna get out, get in shape, and smash all of my opponents. I’m going to use this reservoir of rage I’ve built up to shove it in all these hating mother fucker’s faces, just like I did last time I got out vs. Roger Huerta, but times 10!
Then, as soon as this cowardly ass government stops holding me hostage in this country, against my will (probation), I’m gone! Goodbye USA. I’m going to take myself to a country where they don’t punish men for being MEN. My children will be raised knowing the dangers posed to men by the United States, and God willing, I’ll live to see the day America FALLS. With their gigantic, irresponsible amount of national debt and with the way THEY BULLY the other countries of the world, it is only a matter of time! And at such time, the U.S. government will look around their lands for capable warriors, the same type of capable warriors that initially built America as a haven for MEN, and for FREEDOM. But they will find none! None left to defend her borders because all the good warrior genes have been either destroyed, bred out by the softness of her system, or in cases like myself. G-O-N-E. Gone to live in a real land of freedom, far far away! Fuck you politicians! Fuck you judges and DA’s! Fuck you for raping our country! Fuck you for exploiting police officers, using them to enforce your bullshit, unjust and immoral laws. It’s no different than when Hitler used the brave soldiers and cops of his country to enforce his unjust and immoral laws, NO DIFFERENT! Hitler started out with baby steps, infringing rights a lil’ here, a lil’ there, until BAM! No one knew what hit them. I can only wait and see what ultimate evil lay in wait for the future of America and all of you better mark my words because it’s coming. America can’t keep me down though because I’m not a real criminal! They may have got me for 2 years of my life, but now I’m hip to them. They fucked up in showing me their battle lines… I’m a winner with an OLD spirit, one that’s been in wars since ever since, and I will NOT make the same mistake again!
I WILL GET BACK UP.
P.S. Let me thank all of you fans that have been so kind as to write me letters, send me books or $, I appreciate it all, greatly. Sorry if I can not write everyone back like last time, this jail puts a limit to how many envelopes/stamps we can purchase/week.