War Machine Prison Diary: Weeks 18-19

Good news people, after a long time waiting, everyone’s favorite MMA fighter / prison blogger, War Machine’s is back with more tales from his time in the joint.

Apparently the friend who had been posting up the blogs last year ran into some trouble getting them online for a while, so the new one’s that are starting to filter through now are actually from quite a while back.

Still, it’s better than nothing, and as we’ve come to expect the content of the entries is still as weird and wonderful as ever.

Check out Weeks 18 and 19 below.

WEEK 18:

The most annoying gangster award has to go to the Blacks. I can’t stand listening to bloods or crips talk! Here’s an example of an overheard blood conversation, “Nah blood, listen blood, it was like this blood. You see… Blood just showed up outta nowhere blood, and BLOOD! He was like, who got a problem with the homie Shawn? And then I was like, WHAT BLOOD!? Then blood… etc.” Now replace all the “bloods” with “cuz” and you have a crip conversation… LMAO! WTF!? Whenever they talk, 90% of their sentences are either “blood “or “cuz” FUCKING LAME!

Anyway, oh shit. This Mexican dude just got here and I guess he found out his wife was hooking behind his back. So he said he slapped the shit out of her and she fell and hit her head and died! Then he panicked and took her body somewhere and burnt it on fire! Anyway, this guy is like a straight immigrant, quiet little dude, super nice. I feel bad for him! I mean what husband wouldn’t slap their wife if he caught her being a hooker? Poor guy didn’t mean to kill her. I believe him! But anyway, now he’s fucked! I’unno, “criminals” are more often regular people who just fuck up, as I’m finding during my time here. Very few have I met here that are just straight monsters. Anyway, I’m really fucking sick of being here, fuck! I’m bored as shit and this place is just so pointless. Fucking irritated. I just wanna go home and get on with things. Miss training so much! I fuckin’ dream of training. I need sex bad too! I don’t think I have ever gone more than a month without it since I first got some at 13! This is torture! LOL! Fuck!

I just got a new celly too and he’s laying there snoring as I’m writing this… I hate living with strangers. If I ever had to do a really LONG sentence and in turn, didn’t care about getting in more trouble, I think I’d just smash everyone they sent to my cell so I could always live alone! LOL! I really miss my privacy. I wish we could have pets in here. I keep dreaming of cats, dogs, ferret, and the other night a gargoyle! lol! Pet gargoyle would be sick! Anyway, remember that lil’ female deputy that was attacked? I heard she got a year vacation from work, PAID!! That’s sick! She didn’t get injured so I think the attack worked out in her favor! Sounds fucked up but shit, I think anyone would take a punch for a year paid vacation! Man I love Genghis Khan! I know I’m jumping around a lot so please forgive me, but he is badass. I’ve been reading about him a lot! You guys should read Conn Iggulden’s 3 book series on him. DO IT!!

WEEK 19:

Listen to this bullshit about an 18 year old Mexican kid here with me.  His buddy had a murder trial and in his trial the verdict was 11 innocent, 1 guilty. So they brought him to trial AGAIN! (I didn’t know that happened on a hung jury, guess they all gotta vote innocent or 3 times hung) Anyway, a murder trial costs like 50 g’s for a decent lawyer. Who can afford that twice, let alone 3 times!? After 2 hung juries he finally had to settle for a public defender cuz his family was out of money. And what do you know, after 2 juries voting hung jury (with majority saying “not guilty”), the 3rd jury, all 12, voted GUILTY. I swear this country is B.S.

Anyway, my dumb ass celly FINALLY got transferred out. That mother fucker farted all day long! He farted in his sleep too! I wanted to smash him so bad but I’m trying to refrain from such things. I don’t know how much longer I can take this new celly every other day shit!? Every one laughs and teases me every time a new one comes walking in. lol. They all think it’s so funny how I never ever talk to my cellies. They’re like, “What do you do in there?” You never say anything to each other?” I hate hearing people breathe, or scratch themselves, I hate when people move around in their bunk and make unnecessary noises, grunts, sighs, I hate it ALL!! It’s getting really close to where I’m just gonna stop allowing them to give me a celly, period.  I’ll get put in “the hole” for the rest of my stay, but oh well, at least no one will bug me. When I’m by myself, I clean my whole cell every other day and lately been working out every day.  I dunno why but with a celly I never clean or workout, I just sit there and HATE his presence.

Soooo, my friend Janice sent me the book of Malcolm X’s Autobiography. Never thought I’d read such a book but it’s pretty good. He’s really a black racist, but who can blame him after his life experiences and in the times he lived? I think racism, as it was, is pretty much over. There is only one part about it that remains… and that is: NO White, Mexican, Italian, NO ONE wants their sister, mother, ex-g/f, current g/f, or any other pretty white girl to date a black guy! I share this opinion and I’m definitely not racist. But I figured out why! The one thing stopping complete integration and ending racism is the MYTH that blacks have bigger dicks then other races! That’s it!

How the myth started and how it endured is a mystery, and prolly the best tool the government ever invented to keep us all a little racist. I went to a college in the South, I’ve been to jail, and from the showers comes the truth: dize size has nothing to do with race! I even saw a study in a magazine once that took measurements of different countries dick sizes and I think Sweden had like 1/4 of an inch  bigger than the rest of the world. I think China had like 1/4 of an inch smaller than the rest of the world, but either way, there was no REAL difference! I actually brought the subject up to a black guy here and he REALLY HATES that myth! LOL! He said he likes white girls and gets all nervous every time one gets ready to pull out his jimmy. He said he feels like they EXPECT a monster to pop out! LOL!! He said, “Shit! Don’t get me wrong, my shit ain’t small! It’s actually a lil’ bigger than average, but man, fuck that rumor!” Funny shit! If that MYTH disappeared, and only when it does, will you see prejudice vanish. I guarantee it.

Anyway, on a new subject, if you ever have a choice, as I did, to do time in prison vs. county jail, pick prison!! Jail sucks! Don’t believe the B.S. about prison, it’s way better than jail. Let me list the ways: conjugal visits, contact social visits (instead of behind glass), you can get a cell phone with internet, better food, you get to go out to a yard with SUN, they have a track so you can run, and pull-up bars. Jail sucks! My fuckin’ lawyer scared me out of it. Let’s see, what else…

Like 5 days ago I started getting an ear infection (as I told the stupid jail I would). I need Q-Tips and hydrogen peroxide to clean my ears cuz the cauliflower ear doesn’t let them drain right. Anyway, as I know from experience, it takes like 5 days to see the doctor, and I remember my friend April once telling me that your own urine can be used to cure pink & ear infections so I figured I’d give it a shot! LOL! Nothing else to do here but experiment with my piss anyway! But no shit, I think it’s really working!

Just finished that Malcolm X book, I highly recommend it! If you’re White, you have to push to get through the 1st half, many times I almost threw it away! But by the end, you will come to really admire and respect him. I’d back him for President over any candidate I’ve seen run in my lifetime! No shit! The U.S. is a fucked up place built on the massacre of the Indians and built on greed and lies. I hope one day our country can be changed into a place I can be proud of…

And hey! If anyone out there is a Muslim and reading this, please go to Amazon.com and get me a good book about the religion! If you get it used it should only be a couple bucks! Have it shipped to: Jon Koppenhaver #10754342/ GBDF/ 446 Alta Rd. Suite 5300/ San Diego, CA 92158. The more I come to learn of the religion the more it draws me in to learn even more! I have given up on “Christianity.” Anyone that open-mindedly takes a look at its bible and the HISTORY of man, the Bible and, of the religion and the real Jesus should come to no other conclusion than it’s B.S. I don’t know if ANY religion has it 100% right but I’m willing to study them all and make an educated choice to follow one, or if not, than to just stick to my conscience. I’ve always thought that in your conscience lies the true voice of “God.” The hard part is to figure out if it is indeed your conscience that you’re hearing, or if it’s a fake conscience brought about by the “programming” of our modern society… My wife and most of my good friends are Christians and I think any religion that makes a person behave morally is a good thing, but Christianity is just not for me.

Stand by for more blogs from the former TUF / UFC fighter in the coming days.



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