In the latest installments of former UFC fighter War Machine’s prison diary he give us his thoughts on the skinhead gangs and lets us know why he won’t rat anybody out in order to shorten his own sentence.
Something odd occurred this week, something scary really. I don’t know when it happened exactly or how the fuck it’s even possible. This week something “clicked” and this place stopped being horrible. I adapted or something. Before, I’d hear guys getting sentenced to their 2nd, 3rd, etc. terms say, “I just got 3 years, ain’t shit,” and I’d be like WTF? 3 yrs! Ain’t shit!? But right now I could honestly sit here another year, 2, 3, and be minimally effected. Now I know why guys aren’t scared to, and always do, come back. Why jail is no real deterrent… you fuckin’ get used to it. A world inside a world and an easy one at that. No responsibilities, no stress, nothing, you just simply exist. My emotions are dry. I don’t miss anyone, or anything so much. I’m not depressed, not mad, not anything. My wife, my friends, career, goals, and aspirations are not real, don’t really exist. Like a dream I had but don’t quite remember. Fucking crazy, really! I’m sure I’ll snap back to reality once I’m out and all, shit at least I hope so. Man, right now I feel like anything could happen out there and I’d hardly care. I don’t fucking like it, but have no control over it at the moment. I mean shit, this past month I’ve been in one tiny cell and only coming out 1 hr. every other day (the hole). You’d think shit would be worse! But I’m just kickin’ it, barely even bored! Am I losing my fucking mind!? I’unno, I just thought I needed to share that with all of you so you can try to understand what jail does after a while and try to understand why this system of punishment isn’t effective. Fuck…
On a brighter note, I got the rest of that book series “The Kent Family Chronicles” from a good friend of mine, and man do I love it! I have mentioned it before, it’s true history following one of the original American families beginning just before the Revolutionary War. Doesn’t seem interesting at all, right? Fuckin’ is though! Every American should read them; go to Amazon and buy ’em used, they’re cheap! I think you’ll love them too.
Hmmm… I wanna talk about skinheads a minute because they earn the lamest gangster award. 1st off REAL skinheads are supposed to be about doing what will help advance the White race and provide good futures for their White children. They’re supposed to work, abstain from drugs, etc. In this 8½ months, I’ve met none that had a job or didn’t do dope. When they’re together it’s “nigger this, spic that,” but then they are buddy buddy with them? I’ve watched them share syringes with Mexicans, even Blacks. It’s just like in the movie “American History X” when he goes to the pen and finds his whole cause is bullshit. It’s like, the other gangs, Black & Mexican are just gangs. It’s their life, selling/using dope, robbing, etc. They are what they are. Skinheads whole thing is racism and being straight edge so the race is strong and all of that is the last thing they do! They even go to war with other skinhead “families” Yup, definitely the dumbest “gang.” Just thought I’d share that.
Oh shit! I have been making out pretty good lately! One of the kitchen workers/trustees is a fan! So I’ve been getting a lil’ extra shit like more fruit and these lil’ protein drink things. Love it! And the lil’ shake things come practically frozen so you eat ’em with a spoon – it’s like fucking ice cream! Really not much protein, only like 10 grams but a lot of calories and damn tasty! They use them here for guys who are detoxing and shit, to try and get ’em healthy again.
So I got an e-mail from a buddy that a member of our gym/BJJ team passed away. He was Chamorro (from Guam), a really good purple belt, young and handsome. His name was Chris Benevente. What a fucking shame it is to hear that man. Nothing’s worse than when young & healthy people die, robbed of so much life. I offer his brother, and his loved ones my condolences and I hope they are able to get on with their lives as best as possible. Man death sucks, I guess a lot for me because I was never eased into it. My 1st experience was abrupt and unexpected; my father dying as I attempted CPR, he was just 39. As you grow up you expect great grandparents and grandparents to go 1st, you don’t even think of your parents being close to death or sister/brothers whatever. My grandfather is still kickin’, he goes to the gym and lifts weights and I’ll add that he goes way too heavy on legs. He’s fucking nuts, seriously if I told you the poundage you wouldn’t even believe me, it’s more than I use!! Koppenhaver’s are few, just me, grandpa, and younger brother left, so one of us brothers needs to continue the line. We 1st came over from Germany just before the Revolutionary War, a Koppenhaver was actually a General in the war, kinda cool. Anyway, enough of my geniology.
I wanna touch on a subject that I know is gonna cause all kinds of drama, but oh fucking well. Why is it okay for women to admit they have “rape fantasies” but if a man were to it’s the end of the world, he’s disgusting, evil, etc.? I’ve heard from countless women that they have this fantasy, but never from a man, why? And does having a fantasy mean you may do it? Do people not fantasize about countless things every day that they never do? How many times have you fantasized of punching your boss, did you ever do it? I bring it up because in these books I’m reading, “The Kent Family Chronicles,” there have been a few rape scenes and I won’t lie, shit got me horny as hell. I felt guilty at 1st because I knew it’s something that I’d never do and something that I believe is wrong. In fact, I have fantasized a couple of times of going on that sex offender website, stalking, and killing some of them. Anyway, it’s a subject I thought should be brought up and that people should think on. The world is full of such hypocrisy, really. Same goes for a man to admit he wants to bang 3 girls all at once, if a female said she wanted to bang 3 guys at once she’d instantly be the biggest whore ever. While the guy, no one would think twice of his comment. I think the rape fantasy subject is in the same ballpark in the regard of hypocrisy. Fuck! Faded again. LOL.
My wife and homie Tone, one of the owners of Fokai, just visited. Good visit. Got the rundown on the latest Undisputed Gym drama, what a mess! My SEAL homie is leaving tomorrow for the Red Sea to do anti-piracy, mercenary work, for 3 months. Gonna make $1000/day and tax free! Tight! He just has to post up at an oil rig in the ocean with his sniper rifle and blast any pirate that tries to roll up and take over, easy day! I wish I could do that! Sounds plenty fun! Man visits really let you know that the memories of real life do exist! I miss so much right now! My wife, friends, and gym. Can’t wait to be released! At the same time though, visits & phone calls inspire happy thoughts and imagination of bright future and those two things make you miserable here! It’s almost easier to just do the time and speak to no one on the outside. Nothing worse than getting caught up in all of these positive things, and then realize you’re stuck in a tiny cell and can’t do shit! Shit like this makes the time DRAG. The past 24 hrs. have felt like a week.
You know what’s weird? I could have gone home a long time ago I bet. For some reason people like to tell me shit, people seem drawn to me and trust me easily. Right now I know of 3 men here, fighting murders, that have told me EVERYTHING. I’m here for a B.S. lil’ bar fight and just a few months left, I don’t think it’d be much of a tough decision for the D.A.’s office to let me go in return for my testimony. And people in this system “rat” on others all the time, they rat on their best friends, even relatives, I could never bring myself to do that. I dunno if that makes me dumb or not? After all these dudes are just strangers but to walk into a court room and take the stand and look at a man while you pretty much end his life, a man who confided in you, just feels wrong. Guess it’s my sense of honor? I dunno, plus it’s not like these guys killed lil’ kids or raped and killed women. They killed people who pretty much deserved it. But then again, MY opinion of people who deserve death is far different from the law’s. I’ve laid in my bunk and thought of it from time to time, but I just couldn’t look myself in the mirror if I did. I’d be no better than the lames that took the stand against me crying of a bloody lip. I was raised not to be a “tattle tale” though, what ever happened to that? Now kids are taught to tell on their parents for spanking them!! Nuts! If my kid did that I’d ship the fucker off to some 3rd world country, sell him for 10 bucks! LOL! Seriously though, rats make me sick.