In the latest installment of former TUF star War Machine’s prison diary we get to hear about some more of his rather unusual grooming habits, plus it seems that after months of apathy he’s finally got the urge to get back in shape.  As a result he can now do more pull-ups in a day than most of us will do in a lifetime.

WEEK 35

Fucking OW!!! I just “waxed” my asshole/crack with my thumb and index finger! LMAO! It took like 25 minutes and hurt like a mofo! Why did I subject myself to that? Simple, because I don’t know how men can be clean with ass hair!? On the streets, I use Veet or Nair cuz shaving gives me frickin’ ingrown hairs, ugly and painful. When you doodoo, 2 wipes then follow up with baby wipe, and clean as a whistle. Been doin’ so since I was 16. In here, fuckkk… I wipe and wipe and wipe, fucking ass hair is like a shit magnet! You ever seen a dog with shit clumped up in it’s ass hair? Yeah. Virtually impossible for a hairy assed man to wipe clean, I don’t care what you say or think, it is NOT clean! So long story short, I got sick of 22 wipes and still dooky-bootied, so I did what I did! All men need to follow my example, plus it feels BOMB to have your chick toss your salad and you’ll be surprised at a female’s willingness to do so when you have a perfectly smooth and clean ass! Just FYI, apply baby powder regularly or you’ll chafe hella bad.

Anyway, what’s up with this NFL lockout? Man, FUCK NFL, MLB, and NBA players and their whiny asses! Bunch of spoiled fucking pussies! They got it made! Even the least paid, bench warmer, lives comfortably and has health care and shit! Fucking MMA fighters and boxers put their asses on the line, FOR REAL, and don’t get shit in comparison. Only the top 1% live lavishly, the rest live fight to fight man, most don’t even have health insurance and the ones that do pay it themselves! Can’t stand spoiled people, ungreatful ones either. I remember growing up I had friends who always fought with their parents over dumb shit like curfew and keeping their rooms clean. Good fucking parents who cooked for them, bought them cars, did their laundry, loved them. There I was with drug addict mom and step dad and doing everything myself. I did my own laundry, cooked, cleaned… Shit, if I didn’t have discipline and goals I could have fucked school off and done as I pleased and never heard shit about it. I would’ve done anything to have their parents and there they were claiming to “hate” them. People don’t appreciate shit when it’s too easy, when they never have to go without.

Ohhh man! I’m in heaven today! For breakfast the trustee slid me a fat omelette: onion, bell peppers, and BACON! Fucking bomb! Then just now at lunch I got slid a fat thing of tuna with onion and jalapenos in it! Duuuude, you have no idea how good all that shit tastes after months of eating dogshit! Fuck, I hope they’re able to hook it up like that more often. Only the real “powerful” inmates really get goodies like that, I’m just lucking out cuz one of them recognized me and is a big UFC fan. Speaking of powerful inmates, ever since the AB dude left the “wood pile” has been in shambles. It really needs some leadership. Man, if this was my way of life, I could run shit easy. The Mexicans keep telling me I should boss up and take “the keys” but I don’t want any part of this shit. I’m just waiting to go home and put this stuff behind me. Yeah, some of the fools here have shanks but knives aren’t scary or effective enough, against someone like me, when you don’t have to worry about a sharp edge. You can only get hurt by a straight thrust and in the hole you don’t gotta worry about sneak attacks from behind cuz the only way to even be in contact with another inmate is if you “cell up” with them and become their celly. Then it’s a face to face battle, on on one. Alright enough of my fantasizing about becoming a prison warlord… haha! Shittt…

I read 5, 400+ page books in the past 12 days! Now I’m out of material again! Sucks, not sure what to do now. I’ve responded to all my mail, worked out, slept all that I can, jerked off til it hurt… lol… I need something to read! Man… this one O.G. Mexican dude from Oxnard just came by my cell and talked to me. He said he’s been doing this shit (jail/prison) since 1984! Said he used to look at his brother when he was growing up and think he was weak and “not about shit.” Said that now when he gets out and visits him and sees he has a house and car, family, etc. he “feels small.” Said he wasted so many years and opportunities for this bullshit gangster life, said too bad “I realized it too late.” Told me to learn from this year and don’t come back. Again, I see this repetitious theme, youngsters all fired up acting hard and proud and the “OG’s” saying it’s all bullshit and expressing deep regret. But everyone knows the young don’t listen to the old and that history repeats itself time and time again. The simple life is the way to go man, but ever since we left tribes and basic survival got too easy, and out of our thoughts, we’ve had too many distractions and lost sight of what really matters. How many bank robbers and drug dealers who are 60 and spent life in and out of prison, wish they could go back and have taken a lil’ 9-5 job instead? Lived life, enjoyed their friends, family and pets? My coach Baret Yoshida has the simple life down good. He never even drives, rarely leaves his neighborhood if it’s not to compete. He lives across from the gym in a lil’ apartment with his wife and turtle… lol. Walks to the gym to do what he loves: teach and train. Spends every day training, hanging out with his friends & students at the gym, with his wife at home. He’s content, doesn’t need or care about luxuries. He sets a perfect example for me, one I need to try and follow but I get distracted at times, trying to be a “cool guy.” If I had his discipline I’d probably be UFC Champion… if I change my life, maybe it’s not too late.

WEEK 36

Wow, listen to this fucked up shit. Exactly why I chose to remain in the hole once my MRSA healed. When I was at the other jail the 1st 6 months, I heard of a fight, in a different module, where a guy died. The story was that some guy was picking on a lil’ Asian man, they got in a lil’ BS fight, went back to their cells and when time came for everyone to come out during the evening, the instigator of the fight was dead in his bunk. So since arriving to the hole, I have been speaking to this really friendly Buddhist guy from Burma. He’s here cuz he tried to stop a tow truck driver from towing his car, got in a lil’ fight and that was that. He has a wife and kids, super nice man. Well I came to find out this lil’ Buddhist guy is the same guy from downtown, the one who got picked on, fought and “killed” the guy. This poor lil’ guy came here for a B.S. lil’ altercation with a shady ass tow truck driver and now is fighting MURDER, cuz he was forced to stick up for himself when some racist asshole picked on him! This guy couldn’t hurt a fly! How the guy died is a total fucking fluke! I feel so bad for him and his family… at the same time though, I’m so happy I chose to stay in the hole. When I 1st chose to stay here and one of the Deps tried to make me go back to the general population, he was like “What are you worried about? You know how to fight. If you have to defend yourself you won’t get any new charges.” Yeah right!! If they’re charging the sweet lil’ Buddhist guy for defending himself, with MURDER, the fucking media and court system would have a field day with me! I can see it now: “Not even prison can detour the ultra violent War Machine, just yesterday he savagely beat a man to death! He is now being tried for 1st degree murder and faces the death penalty.” LMAO!! Tell me I’m wrong!!?? Shittt… this poor lil’ guy fled from civil war in Burma only to be condemned as a MURDERER for defending himself!! Isn’t our American government great?? Land of the FREE? Home of the BRAVE? Haha! The “BRAVE” are in jail for murder for defending themselves! We, the U.S.A., need a civil war!

Anyway, it’s a new day and I got new ideas. Right now I’m fuckin’ pumped! I got my strength back in the pull-up department! For a while there I had gotten so weak I could barely do 9!! Pathetic!! Right now I just did 7 sets: 1st set 20, 2nd 16, 3rd 15, 4th 15, 5th 13, 6th 12, and 7th 12. Feels good to make a come back. My push-ups are still lacking for some reason but definitely getting better as I had gotten to the point I could do like 60 the 1st set and the 2nd I couldn’t break 35!! I just did 7 sets and in each set did 50 or more. My squad #’s are strong again too. I really can’t wait to train for real and FIGHT again!! I’m gonna have a renewed enthusiasm for the sport, after losing it for an entire YEAR. Now I know how much I really LOVE it!! I’m gonna fight as much as possible! Don’t care how small the show is, I just want to FIGHT ALL THE TIME!!

Alright, on to sadder news, that Japanese quake/tsunami was horrible and the news channel is really pissing me the fuck off! Bunch of opportunistic blood sucking scum bags! With their phony sympathy… they get off on the suffering of others, makes me sick! What good is it to show people crying and devastated at the loss of loved ones? They have no fucking respect for people, they just want an interesting story! I fucking hate newscasters/reporters/companies PERIOD! News has been censored and bogus since it’s beginnings so you can shove that bullshit about “our right to know.” More like our right to HEAR what THEY FEEL like telling us. Fuck the news! And my heart goes out to the Japanese people.

A few posts back, I said I wasn’t bored anymore and was “used to jail” … Well, I’m bored again, and hate it again! LOL! Oh shit! Another one of my training partners is on the new TUF, his name is Chris Cope, look out for him. I hope he does well. Now I’m thinkin’ about my wife. When I’m released, I’ll have been gone for a whole year… crazy thing is that I really think she hasn’t/won’t bone anyone in that time… crazy right? What did I ever do to deserve such loyalty? Could I honestly do the same? If I went to jail any longer than a year I’d have broke it off, just out of un-selfishness. It’s not right to EXPECT someone to go without basic human needs for so long. Even if she hadn’t “waited” I wouldn’t have tripped. Love is more than dicks and pussies… That’s what people don’t understand. Too many healthy, strong relationships end because of the overemphasis of sex. Humans aren’t perfect and one partner, in terms of sex, isn’t necessarily realistic. Either way, I feel lucky to have someone that truly loves me so much. That’s the REAL reason I chose to marry… I’ve never seen anyone love someone as much as I see her love me. Like a puppy loves it’s owner or how a lil’ girl loves her father, that’s how she loves me. It’s crazy… especially for me because my life has been one with a real lack of love. Alright enough of me being gay… lol

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