War Machine Prison Diary: Weeks 37 – 38

It’s time for another installment of former TUF star War Machine’s prison blog, so sit back and let the man himself regale you with tales of his urine odour, picking his nose hairs (his new favorite hobby), and his big toe’s dice with death.

WEEK 37:

F-U-C-K basketball! For the past couple weeks that’s all they’ve been playing on the TV! BORING ass sport! puts me in a bad mood… ugh. Speaking of bad moods, I stubbed my toe the other day bad! It was bleeding and hurts all day! Now it’s oozing thin yellow puss! Gross, prolly got gangrene or some shit, fuckin’ toe is gonna fall off. On a positive note, I only have 3½ months left!!! =) Oh and check out this weirdness, for the last 3 or 4 days my piss has smelled just like that cologne “Safari.” … LMAO! WTF!? My dad used to wear it sometimes, I hated it… Anyway, I just thought I’d share that unexplained phenomena.

Anyway, solitary and the boredom that comes with it is funny. You find ANYTHING to do to take up time, even 2 minutes. As you’ve prolly seen on TV, people in jail make “fishing lines” to pass things along the tier to one another’s cells. So if I wanna borrow a magazine from a neighbor, I’ll fish my line to him and he’ll tie on the mag. so I can pull it back. If there happens to be a person in the day room and he sees me fishing it he’ll ask if I want him to just grab it for me but I’ll say no, just cuz I relish that minute distraction from the day. Another example is coffee, I hate coffee unless it’s half milk and sugar. Now, the past 3 weeks, I’m drinking it daily and I hate it! LOL! I do it just because it takes 5 minutes to heat the water and then another few mins. to drink it. I was talking to my neighbor and he said he never smoked until he went to prison and he doesn’t know why cuz he hates it. I told him, “the same reason I drink coffee, it kills a few minutes.” Then jokingly I added, “I wonder if that’s why people turn gay in prison? You know, you’re bored with nothing to do so you’re like: maybe I’ll suck my cellie’s dick… that should take 10 minutes or so??” LMAO!! Some guys in here really lose it and just talk, sing, yell, ALL DAY long. Then every other day when they get their 1 Hr. day room they act pretty normal, it’s weird. The other day though I was bored and hyper, so I started yelling dumb funny shit for like 15 mins. It was actually kinda fun… lol. Anything to entertain yourself. Hmm… What else?

The past 5 day rooms they’ve called me out at like 4AM & 6AM and I’m sleeping so I’ve refused. So yeah, I haven’t left my cell for more than a week. I just “bird bath” to stay clean. I don’t give a shit about day room anymore, ain’t shit to do anyway. From now on I think I’ll just use mine once a week so I can call my wife and try and sell my hour to other inmates for snacks and shit. So I’ve developed another odd habit… I’ve been pulling my nose hairs out.. lol. Guess a combo of boredom and no scissors to trim them. Some areas it hurts, some it feels kinda cool. But this hobby has a shitty downside and that’s I get frequent ingrown hairs in my nose and they hurt like no other! Makes your whole nose red like Rudolph! Every time it happens I swear I’m done, but then they grow back and, like a crack head, I’m back ripping them out! Hmmm… maybe I’m going a lil’ nuts!?

I wish I could draw well… When I was younger I was a good poet, maybe I’ll try to pick that up again. I just want these last few months to go by quick! Oh, so the trustee that was hookin’ me up with all the bomb food vanished! I think the cops read my Twitter and changed the line-up so I don’t get hooked up anymore… sucks. I shouldn’t have said shit. Fuck! Back to dog food 3X per day! And today I got 25 pull-ups on my 1st set so my strength is back! =) I’m gonna see what I can get up to by the time I’m released. Sooo… right now there are 2 loud, crazy fucks in the hole with us. One of them is a black dude that sounds/acts whiter than White! ALL day long he sings R.E.M. songs and shit, horrible voice. And whenever someone tells him to “shut up” he says “suck my dick, suck my big 14 inch dick.” ALL DAY LONG all you hear is singing and suck my dick! Then on his hour out in the day room he comes out and acts pretty normal, it’s weird. He just comes out all quiet and will go to your cell and ask for favors and shit. He doesn’t understand that we all HATE him and that one guy is currently saving up a giant bag of shit, piss, and hair oil (to make it smear and not clean up easy), and the contents of said bag, will be coating that idiot’s cell any day now! LMAO! Can’t wait.

Oh shit! Remember I said I stubbed my toe and like half of it was detached? Well I just ripped the entire thing off! Hurt so fucking bad! But I had to cuz it wasn’t gonna heal and I’m pretty sure it’s infected: cellulitis. I put in a kite to see the doctor. I’ll need antibiotics. Shit, I remember I got in a fist fight like 8 years ago and cut my knuckle on a guy’s tooth. Ended up getting cellulities and nearly lost my hand. I was terrified, even cried. LOL! I had to go to the hospital every day for a week to get an antibiotic IV and had to soak my hand in an iodine solution and keep opening/closing my hand for 15 minutes 8 times/day! Not to mention the doc. had to scrape my hand out from the inside… ugh. I hope this just requires meds.

WEEK 38:

Faded and feelin’ X-rated.. lol. Later I’m gonna make a “spread.” I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned them in the past, but it’s our lil’ gourmet dish. Basically you mix: Hot Cheetos, Hot Cheez-Its, hot sauce, pork rinds, top ramen soup (drained), and these dehydrated refried beans and you put the mixture in a tortilla, it’s bomb. LOL. Funny shit is I saw a commercial for Taco Bell and saw a burrito with hot cheetos and chili cheese Fritos in it. I KNOW a fucking “convict:” invented that recipe!! LOL! Guaranteed! Other fools put Fritos or other shit in theirs but my recipe is the best, some Mexican dude taught it to me. Alright so I just did 15 minutes jump rope (pretend), 15 mins. shadow boxing, push-ups & pull-ups, 5 sets each. My pull-ups keep going up, feels good! I did: 27, 23, 18, 16, 13. That’s a lot considering how fucking weak I had gotten. Man, I’m really excited to get out and fight again! I never fully realized how much I truly LOVE the sport. Just like 13 weeks to go!! Anyway, my toe ended up not getting infected, the toe nail is beginning to reform but looks weird… I hope it doesn’t grow back all funky… I’ve always prided myself on having nice feet… lol. What else…

My neighbors G-Ma had 2 strokes and got put into a hospice 2 days ago. He took a nap today and said he dreamt he said goodbye to her and she died, he woke up in tears. So we’re wondering if she did die and her spirit came to say goodbye?? It would be a trip right? We don’t get dayroom until later tonight, so once he calls to find out I’ll report back.

On another subject, a really odd/gay one, my neighbor and I overheard the 2 black dudes downstairs from us talking into the vent. We stumbled on to the conversation as one of them said that he had woken up with a dick in his mouth… lol. (Not here, he was recounting a story.) He then said he got up and told the dude he better put his knuckles up cuz they’re gonna fight. Then he said “the nigga knew brazilian jiu-jitsu and choked me out, when I woke up the nigga was fuckin me.” LMAO!! And dude was laughing about it?? He said the dude helped him hostage for 3 days and kept fucking him. Then he said, “the fucked up shit is that I still call the nigga.” HAHAHA!! WTF!? Shit was the funniest story to ever eavesdrop on! And these are some “gangsters.” They were talking about it like it was nothing, an every day occurrence… W-E-I-R-D. Another gay story involves this Mexican dude, he’s all gangstered out, even with tattoos on his face. When he 1st discovered that I used to do porn he asked if he could see my dick, he said he wanted to see a “real porn dick.” I told him that I wasn’t one of those porn guys with a giant dong. He kept insisting I show it to him, which is odd enough, but the look in his eyes… G-A-Y. Obviously I didn’t show it to him. After that he’d always make lil’ gay remarks, jokingly, but definitely not joking. Also, whenever I’d stop at his door to talk to him, I feel real uncomfortable like I’m being raped by his eyes… lol. I never told anyone shit but then my neighbor brought up the fact that he thinks one of the “homies” is gay. He wouldn’t tell me the name, so I blurted out the name I suspected and he’s like, “how’d you know!?” LOL… so yeah now we both crack gay jokes at him, playingly, but not. I’unno, it’s just so strange to see gangster dudes be gay… funny.

Sooo… my neighbor called home and his G-ma did pass away… crazy huh? I wonder if that dream was actually her saying bye to him, or just a dream? I’d certainly like to think it was her, that’d be neat. Anyway, that’s the deal with this Barry Bonds shit? WTF!? How irrensponsible is our government to waste millions on his perjury trial!? People perjure themselves daily on far more important criminal matters and are not charged at all! Plus everyone knows that like 70% of ALL professional athletes use or have used steroids, so fucking what!? It’s like anything else – they try to get away with it and the authorities try and catch them, cat and mouse. When they fail a drug test, they get suspended/fined and when they pass, they pass. Fucking LAME, fucking witch hunt, fucking waste of time and money. FUCK THE MEDIA.

Ross launched MMA Insight (previously FightOfTheNight.com) in 2009 as a way to channel his passion for the sport of mixed martial arts. He's since penned countless news stories and live fight reports along with dozens of feature articles as the lead writer for the site, reaching millions of fans in the process.