War Machine Prison Diary – Weeks 39-40

Good old’ War Machine.  In week 39 of his blog from prison where he’s currently serving a year’s sentence for assault he vows to never get in trouble again because he doesn’t want to see the inside of a jail cell ever again.

So has he finally woken up to the errors of the way and is now going to live a quiet, law-abiding life then?

Well, take into consideration that in week 40 of his blog he casually drops into the conversation that he’s been throwing his own faeces at the guys in the cells across from him and is now on a 10 day lockdown…

WEEK 39:

I finally got word from my SEAL homie about his anti-piracy mission. I can’t give details but it’s crazy as fuck! He said pirates are everywhere and take over ships daily! He said it’s way more crazy than Afghanistan. I told him he better not soften up and get killed by some dirty ass Somalian pirate! My wife gets pissed because my boy wants to train me and bring me with him one day! Would be so sick! WM needs to get some KILLS!! =) Anyway, I guess my other boy Brandon left 4 days ago to do the same shit. Here I am stuck in a tiny cell… boring! At least I’m faded. =) And I got 2 ridiculously hot whores from an American Curves magazine on my wall… lol. Jerk-off sesh tonight!! Man… I really hope neither of my boys get killed… shit would suck. They’re the best men I know and, as Alpha Males stuck in modern times, they can earn no other living than as warriors. My boy told me too many bullets wizzed by way too close to his head… scary. They’re my brothers, I need them.

On a brighter note, my soft ass neighbor “Blanco” hasn’t puked yet! Last week he was kneeling at the toilet by the 4th cup! LMAO! HAHAHA!! I just “gassed” AKA shitbombed this loud fuckin’ asshole! LMAO! So funny! He’s pissed! He’s screamin’, “You useless fuckin’ Wood Pile!” Fuckin’ dick, that’s what he gets! Reminds me of the ole TUF days. =) He’s yellin’ “Go to Hell! Hades, gone!” HAHA! He’s a crazy fucking cunt! (Next day)

Can you say hangover? lol. Fuck it though, nothing else to do but lay in bed anyhow. Hey, so that lil’ Asian guy from Burma I told you all about just slid a drawing into my room. A couple months ago I gave him an autographed picture of me weighing-in for the Yoshida fight and he drew it for me! It’s real good, just the eyes are a lil’ big and the hands small but otherwise perfect. See, he’s such a nice guy, just makes me feel worse for him. i’m gonna keep this drawing forever though. He’s a great person who got FUCKED and I never want to forget his story. Anyway, listen to this weird shit…

I guess it’s pretty common for guys to do this while in prison… They take apart a razor and cut a slice in the top of their dick (the shaft), and then they shove a marble, or some type of round object, in the wound, so that it heals and remains a lump under the skin… crazy right!? They claim it “gets chicks off easier” with a good size marble embedded in the top of their cock… I dunno about that, but I do know I’d never do ANY kind of operation, on my most valued body part, in dirty ass jail. What if you got a fucked up infection and lost all or part of your dick?? Fuck that shit!! So far, the weirdest prison tradition I’ve come across. Funny, my neighbor just asked this black dude if he liked Kool-Aid and he answered, “course I do, I’m black.” LMAO! I’unno, thought I’d share that, I found it funny.

Alright, I only have 3 months left, release is coming soon! I’m excited, this has been a horrible waste of time! One good thing though is now it is engrained in my brains to NEVER “go out” EVER AGAIN! I know if I follow those guidelines I will not get in more trouble. I’ve known that for a while now, but I guess I needed a fucking wake-up call. My stubborn ass always has to learn shit the hard way. Speaking of people learning the hard way, you have no idea how many guys have told me, “Ay, War Machine, if you ever need someone blasted look me up, I can handle that for the right price.” These fools don’t even know me. They just know that I’m aggressive but plan to stay outta trouble when I get out. They think I have mad cash and they can make a buck killing fools I hate. I won’t lie, of course the idea sounds lovely, but this one year in jail is enough to know I don’t want to do shit to risk coming back. I guess these guys don’t “learn” because they have nothing promising to look forward to on the “outside.” If it wasn’t for my hopes, dreams, and opportunities, I wouldn’t have “learned” either though.

WEEK 40:

The last 2 books in a row that friends have bought/sent me turned out being hard covers so I wasn’t allowed to have them… long story short, I’m SUPER BORED! Jail without good books sucks ass! Anyway I was just thinking of something interesting. So my wife did a lil’ photo shoot with my buddy’s wife a while back and was sending me a new picture every week for the 1st 7 months or so, anyway of all them there were like 3 that I thought turned out shitty, or basically were my least favorite. Guess which 3 were her favorite and the ones she thought I’d like the best? Yeah. How is it that girls have no clue as to what we, men, like? The differences in our perception of shit amazes me. I bring it up now because the past 2 visits I disliked her hair, it made her not look as beautiful as normal. It was funny because in between my talks with her and my buddy I could see her fussing with herself in the reflection and could almost hear her thinking, “What the fuck, I did my hair extra special today and he hasn’t said anything!” LOL! I actually kinda hate hair, especially really long hair. I prefer short, but chicks seem to love long… blah.

Anyway, me and a couple other guys have been waging war on these 2 loud, obnoxious assholes who love to yell and bang their door all day and night. Our weapon of choice by default, is of course shit bombs… LMAO! We have been bombing their cells twice/day for 4 days straight and since the Deps hate them too, they don’t even clean it out, they let them sit in shit for HOURS at a time. I mean these fuckers sit in shit for like 6 hrs. at a time! It ook 3 days for one of them to finally shut up! The other one is still at it! WTF!? The other day I got a purple heart though…. ugh… GROSS! I stomped on a bag of shit so that it’d shoot under the door and all over their cell, well half of it did… the other half exploded out of the wrong end and all over ME! I mean I had shit in my fucking hair, all over my pant leg, it was horrible! LMAO!

Anyway, I got a book in the mail, “Life of Pi” and have no idea who bought it for me! This has happened several times over my incarceration. To anyone that bought me a book or gift pack and never received mail from me in return:  THANK YOU! And I have only not responded to you with a personal thank you letter because I absolutely had no way to. Back ot the book “Life of Pi.” I read it in 2 days… interesting story but the end was weird. I guess it’s a book that you have to sit around afterwards and think on, so I’m doing that now. I’unno you’d have to have read it to understand WTF I’m talking about so I’ll stop… lol.

So I’m still working out on the reg, still gettin’ stronger. My 5 sets of pull-ups is now at 30, 26, 21, 18, 15. I do a set of push-ups, a set of squats, and then a set of pull-ups, 5 sets. Before that I jump rope (pretend, I have no rope) 15 mins. and shadowbox 15 mins. Not a killer workout but it kicks my ass none-the-less. 2 months to my release date I’ll add in some high intensity shit to get ready for training. A lot of the Deps. here are real cool man. I really like some of them. I see exchanging #’s with a few of them before I leave. Probably get a few of them to join my gym too. Before I got here, I’d always say “fuck cops, I hate cops,” but the more I’m around them, I see that most of them are just guys doing a job. It’s not their fault that the system creates B.S. laws that they have to enforce.

The problem comes from the asshole cops; they ruin it for the rest of them. Speaking of which, I discovered a new one on duty on occassion in my module who has it out for me. The real problem is that he’s a bitch, straight coward mother fucker and plays like he likes me but is just doing his job. 1st, at inspection, he hit my cell extra tough and got all my contraband, no biggy. Couple days later when I was in the shower he snuck into my cell and hit it AGAIn, which is totally out of the ordinary! He took my contraband items again! When he did his walk later (now I’m back locked down), I asked him why he did that? And asked why he doesn’t like me or whatever? He played all nice like, “at inspection you didn’t hide your stuff good enough (B.S.) and earlier, when you showered, I only entered your cell because you had something out in the open. I don’t have a problem with you, I actually like you.” LMAO! Yeah right. NOTHING was out in the open, fool just wants to fuck my day! Later that same night, a loud asshole got shit bombed and he wrote me up for it! Fact is it could have been the guy who got dayroom before me, or me, and the camera doesn’t show the top tier here. The report said he saw me do it! LIE!! Now I’m on 10 day lockdown. Since I’m already in the hole, it means no visits, phone calls, store orders and no 1 hr. dayroom every other day, just a 10 min. shower instead. Cops here don’t write you up for shit bombing the loud assholes, they don’t care. The next day the Deps asked “why are you on D.I.? Who wrote you up? What’d you do to piss him off?” NOTHING, proof, he hates me but doesn’t have the balls to just say it. Lame asshole, at least he doesn’t work our module often. I would talk shit to him, but I don’t want him fucking with my mail; throwing it away and shit before I get it.

Ross launched MMA Insight (previously FightOfTheNight.com) in 2009 as a way to channel his passion for the sport of mixed martial arts. He's since penned countless news stories and live fight reports along with dozens of feature articles as the lead writer for the site, reaching millions of fans in the process.