In this installment of his 2012 prison diary War Machine tracks the root of his craziness to being strangled by the umbilical cord at birth. Glad we got that cleared up.
“To die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly. Death freely chosen, death at the right time… then a real farewell is still possible, as the one who is taking leave is still there…” -Nietzsche
That line is the shit, so true. Why do people insist upon becoming old, decrepit, and miserable? We know when the gig is up; for some it may be as early as 40, others may be 80. The point is that we need to identify the moment that our inner self dies, and say goodbye, to both our loved ones and our physical self, before all parties involved forget who that original person was in the first place. I, for example, love being able to train, that and sleeping with beautiful women are what I really live for. I’m care-free, enjoyable to be around, and rarely get moody. But if I lost the ability to do the 2 things I loved (and was unable to find a new passion), I’d be a miserable son of a bitch! If this takes place at, 60 say, the good times would still be fresh in my memory and I’d still be the guy my friends and family love: perfect time to say goodbye. Why wait 20+ more years in misery and become a person no one can stand to be around, nor remember as being any different, as they lower me into the ground? I call that cowardice, selfishness, and stupidity. Suicide, under the right conditions, is NOBLE, and was common in ancient societies. I don’t know where we got it twisted, but I’ll bet it’s a result of modern religion, namely Christianity. What, it’s “evil” to take your life, but “good” to become a useless old man and a hindrance to your family? Yeah, whatever.
Anyway, once again, I am deaf in my right ear because these idiots won’t let me take care of my cauliflower ear like I need to, it’s super annoying. Also, the jail raised the price of our stamped envelopes to 95¢ – are you fuckin’ serious?! How is that even legal? Whoever runs this facility is a son of a bitch
! BTW, I appreciate all your mail and really wish I could reply to all of you like last year, but our stupid $15 store limit includes stamps, food, and hygiene products, so it’s impossible.
Greeeat — the module fuckin’ missionary is out in the day-room again; he’s a fuckin’ weirdo. He goes door to door praying and “saving” people and telling them that he spoke to God and God said He’s sending them home – Pfft! “Why doesn’t God send your annoying ass home?” I asked him that, LMAO! “I have faith that he will” was his reply – too bad he got sentenced to LIFE already. Idiot, nevermind, read Nietzsche, “You are my believers – but what matter all believers? You had not yet sought yourselves: and you found me. Thus do all believers; therefore all faith amounts to so little.” Golden. Same goes for unhappy/miserable people who think marrying him/her or making x amount of dollars will answer their problems; you gotta be happy with YOU, first.
My buddy recently wrote me a long letter about how depressed he is and how he loves this girl and if only he could keep her, he knows he’ll be forever happy then. Doesn’t work that way. I was a miserable fuck, fell in love, got married and then went back to misery for no reason – she never did anything wrong! You can’t use people as a crutch, it only causes that new person in your life pain in the long run and isn’t fair. Not to mention your misery will return. I think I found some answers to my problems though. My sister sent me “Holotropic Mind” by Grof, and it was awesome! When I was little my mom always told me I was “evil” and “possessed” and other dumb shit and always blame my actions on the fact that my umbilical cord strangled me at birth; she’s an idiot however so I always allocated that theory to bullshit. But this book goes into detail about the birthing process and how it can effect you later. 1. I was a long birth, my mom was in labor for 30+ hours. 2. Umbilical cord choked me. 3. Emergency C-section. Any one of those can cause problems by itself; all 3 combined leaves no doubt of at least some effect. It may help explain why I feel the NEED to fight my way out of situations, why I’m willing to take great risks, why I have a fear of being tied down to 1 woman or even 1 location (I move a lot), my desperate “need” to move out of this country, and my anxiety panic attack issues. (The latter triggered by my Dad’s death) Crazy! All that could be directly related to birth? And apparently ancients knew this too, and it’s the basis of the whole being “reborn” shit. I need to be “reborn” to help cure myself. Ancients used psychedelic drugs and a Shaman, and some psychiatrists use LSD. The author of the book invented a non-drug technique, “Holotropic Breathwork.” Either way, I’m gonna try it. It’s Aug. 17th and the Chaplain just came to tell me my grandmother died, crazy how fast cancer destroys. She was cool. When young, she was actually pretty hot and was in a movie with Elvis. A while back she won the Ms. Senior Nevada pageant and was in all these dance groups and stuff. She was funny ’cause she’d always say, “I hate old people.” LOL. She was a good grandma and never judged me for my maniac ways, not even the porn. I’ll miss her, but I am glad her suffering is over. Now I’m worried about my grandpa, fuck, I hope he doesn’t read these blogs and get any ideas from Nietzsche. That’s selfish of me though, only he can decide what he wants to do. He goes to the gym a lot and doesn’t act “old” either – in my Twitter images you can see a pic of him leg pressing like 800 lbs., also a pic with @JennaJameson as a wax figure. LOL. (I showed it to her once, she got a kick out of it.) Anyway, I just hope he hangs in there. I get out in just 2 1/2 months but couldn’t say goodbye and can’t go to her funeral – can’t be there for my Papa either. But hey, I guess keeping the streets safe another 10 weeks is more important. Fuck you Judge. R.I.P. Grandma.
I will get back up.”