All was quiet on the War Machine front for a while there, but now a bumper selection of installments from his 2012 diary in a Las Vegas jail has arrived.
“I’ve been reading so much that lately I find myself reading in my dreams… blah! I can think of a million better things to dream about. Very monotonous, this solitary jail life. I wake up and brush my teeth, then start reading. I work out an hour/day and eat my 3 meals and that’s it. I’ve been trying to sleep at least 10 hours per day; I wish I could sleep 20. On the bright side of things, I can finally do a pistol! Man… the guards are playing music and “Locked Up” by Akon just came on – it makes me really sad. Reminds me of my 1st love Amanda. This song came out while she was in rehab for a meth addiction. Losing your first love is tough, especially when you watch drugs take over their soul and then find out that your best buddy started her on them and of course fucked her! LOL. I hate Joe’s guts to this day, Wow, music has a strong effect on the memory, doesn’t it? Speaking of meth, my neighbor gave me a fat shot of coffee yesterday and that shit straight got me high! Crazy how sensitive your body gets after a couple of months away from caffeine and etc.
For the most part I’m doing well in here, though I can’t decide if time is going fast or slow. Time is weird when put into a jail perspective. I never see the sun, only come out of my cell an hour a few times per week, and pretty much just wait for the next time I get fed. It’s been 2 months now and it feels both longer than that and shorter than that. Doesn’t make sense right? Yet, it is so. My hair is growing out of control and I hate long hair, really wish they did periodic buzzes here. I’m so gonna look like straight shit come October: skinny-fat, pale with a fro… lol. @Julio2b2 is gonna break my balls when he comes to pick me up. Oh how good that 1st real shower and haircut will feel, like a thousand Christmases I bet. Tell you what though, I miss no thing more than food. I don’t like feeling hungry all the time and HATE feeling skinny/not muscular. I have a mental insecurity triggered by my unsatisfactory reflection in a mirror. I’m pretty sure all guys who have spent their lives in a gym do too. It’s also one of the main reasons I’ll never attempt to cut to 55’s. I’ll be just as strong, but I won’t FEEL strong nor confident. And state of mind is the most important thing in a fight. It actually took me quite a while to feel good at my current size. In high school I was over 200 lbs.; I wrestled 215’s Senior year.
That bodybuilder’s mentality is a sickness, I wish I would have discovered Olympic lifting or even power lifting instead. Muscles are a waste. Contrary to common belief, muscle does NOT equal strength & it robs the body of oxygen, hurting stamina. Strength comes from the nervous system and is why old grannies can pull cars off of their grandchildren in emergencies. One more lesson that you young bucks can learn from me before you also fall victim to the mirror… lol. Anyway, this past week I have been enjoying small victories over one particular guard. It is cold as shit in these cells and the air keeps blasting 24/7. Naturally, we all cover the vents. 99% of the cops don’t say shit, they understand we’re freezing, but there’s one guy who makes us uncover them and takes away our hour of free time. He gets mad, as if we are trying to make trouble or trying to piss him off – makes no sense to me. Anyway, I tore the cover off one of my books, a book that just so happened to be the exact same size as my vent. The inside of the cover is blank and I colored in a million dots so that it looks just like my vent and stuck it up there. It’s definitely not perfect and doesn’t fool me at all because I know what it is, but the eye sees what it expects to see. In this case, he expects to see either vent or a covered vent, but NOT a disguised covered vent. Each time he walks by my cell and peers into my window, each time he comes inside each day for a quick inspection, I win a small victory and it makes me chuckle and feel damn good! Every battle won draws you closer to winning the war right?”
“Some film crew is in our module right now, must be for one of those shows like “Locked Up.” It’s pretty irritating, because we only get to come out of our cells 1 hr./day M-F, and today is Mon. which means no ones had a shower since Th. or Fri. So since these jerks are here exploiting us while we have our free time, we have to wear shackles and shit, even in the shower. Yeah, fuck that, I’ll pass. They try to lure guys into participating with, “you’ll be on TV!” Oh yay! And I’m sure the opportunity will be lining up for the new star once he makes his debut… lol. So they caught wind of the fact that I’m me and tried to get me to talk to them and show them my workout. “What’s in it for me? I’ve been on TV a thousand times. Order me a Pepperoni Lover’s Stuffed Crust Pizza from Pizza Hut and I’ll do it.” Of course they can’t do that so I told them to “fuck off.” I really wish I was English and could say it proper like they do… lol. I love listening to the English speak.
Anyway, I finally get to order snacks again this week, so excited! The 30 days of living off strictly what they serve us was rough! I came here just under 195 lbs. and I bet I’m between 175-180 now. The other day the probation department came to see me and when he looked at me, then back at my mug-shot he said, “Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight!” Thanks for rubbing it in! Blah! I just ate dinner and am still hungry as all hell, fuck! Why don’t they give us real portions? In San Diego we got so much more food, even though it tasted like shit. I guess the one good thing here is the dinners are tasty, just another reason to want more though! Being hungry 24/7 makes me feel for the starving people of the world – before I never really thought about it. I couldn’t imagine being hungry every day of my life, from birth to death, fucking horrible. While on the nutrition subject, I only shit twice a week in here and when I do it’s hard as a rock and painful! LOL! Further proof of the malnutrition in this place! Never thought I’d say this but, “I miss San Diego County Jail!” Anyway!
I REALLY appreciate all of you that write me or put $ on my books, it means a lot. Crazy how I get more love from complete strangers than from my family and most of my friends, kinda fucked up actually. Regardless of that drama, thanks again for the support. I can’t wait to be free again and put on some more great fights for all of you!”
“Feels SO GOOD to be able to eat a lil’ extra food again! That 30 days of restriction was tough with the miniscule amount of food they serve us here at chow. Hopefully I’ll be able to put a lil’ of the muscle I lost back on, all I’m really ordering is peanuts. I did the math and they’re the best buy nutrition wise, per dollar. Everything else on the list is junk food, and I’m trying to steer clear, though I’ll admit, I bought a couple of cinnamon rolls, 480 cal. each, WOW! LOL! Anyway, I’d like to know what jails have against Q-Tips? Why not sell them to us, are they deadly weapons? Especially having cauliflower ears, so important to clean them constantly. Twisting up t.p. doesn’t cut it! In fact, I’m deaf in my right ear (for the 2nd time this stay) due to the t.p. pushing all the wax further in. I can’t hear jack!! It’s annoying and feels as though I have water in my ear… grrr.
So! I got a nice postcard in the mail today from my buddy who’s now a SEAL in DEV Group (SEAL Team 6 to those of you tho think it’s still called that) and deployed in Afghanistan again. He said he’s praying for me and hopes I stay strong, both mentally and physically. Hell of a thing to do coming from a guy out there risking his life; taking his time to worry about me. Good dude. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers, he needs to get back with all his men in one piece! I’m sure they’ll be fine, those guys are the best. So today I heard from my lawyer in San Diego – he said they switched my probation officer and that leaves me apprehensive. Why!? My last one was really fair, no power trip at all… ugh. Keep your fingers crossed that my new one isn’t the devil. I really can’t wait to just have all this drama behind me, I just wanna train and fight… to LIVE. I’m done with any, and every, thing that will not directly help improve my life. Maybe I had to come back here because I didn’t FULLY learn my lesson from last time? Maybe it’s ’cause I didn’t appreciate my wife enough, the only girl who ever truly loved me. Karma? I know nothing, but the past is history, and from now on I’m gonna think EVERYTHING through and through before I act. I got one good decade left in this fight game, time to realize my full potential and leave a POSITIVE mark. In the future, I may not be as “entertaining” but I promise to you all that I’ll more than make up for it with accomplishments INSIDE the cage. Much as I hate to… it’s time to TRULY grow up. SO! …
After 11 weeks here and STILL not been given the psych meds I’ve been taking since 2007, I filed a nasty “grievance” and 2 days later the psychiatrist was at my door. What a dirtbag! One more person that does NOT belong in the medical field. Unsympathetic, RUDE, and an attitude more like a prison warden than a “therapist.” Of course, he would not prescribe me Lexapro (it’s an expensive drug) and tried giving me another one that I’ve already tried and that FAILED to help me. He said, “Well if it doesn’t work for you than neither will Lexapro, they’re the same.” Maybe I imagined the 5 years of relief I’ve gotten from it? He was filled with all types of lies and never once did the truth come out: that my drug costs more and THAT’S the reason why they avoid prescribing it. Is a doctor supposed to help his patients or protect the jail’s pockets, by prescribing cheaper, less effective meds? Apparently, the latter. If they had given me the deal which I signed for I could earn $ and pay for my own shit. If they even gave me the house arrest I applied for, I could do the same. Ugh, very irritated/upset right now and I am not sure what other recourse I have. I’ll definitely file another “grievance,” I don’t think that they can legally deny you a medication that you were already taking before your incarceration. In Cali, they tried giving me an alternate drug as well, but once I explained that I’d tried others, they gave in. This doc. doesn’t give a shit about anything but his paycheck though.
Ugh, now I have a stomach ache. I’m missing out on the @BellatorMMA tourney, my wife and I spolit up and she was deported back to Europe, I’m locked in a cage… if there was ever a time I needed my meds, it’s now. Whatevs, at least I have peanut butter now! I’m gonna eat some =)”